


TARDISstuck

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who, Homestuck
Genre: Crossover, Gen, tardisstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-10-11
Updated: 2011-10-11
Packaged: 2017-10-24 13:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/263743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A homestuck alternate universe crossover, in which Karkat goes by the name The Sufferer, is half-time lord, and travels around the universe with companions. Together they get caught up in crazy hijinks. With bits of references to both fandoms sprinkled in. Image heavy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	TARDISstuck

**Author's Note:**

> Drawn by [Carla](http://tealdump.tumblr.com/)  
> Written by [Shannon](http://sonickind.tumblr.com/)  
> Read more on [Tumblr](http://tardisstuck.tumblr.com)
> 
> I'll try to fix the formatting later, but for now this will do. Enjoy!
> 
> IF YOU NOTICE ANY PAGES/PANELS/TEXT MISSING FROM THE ORIGINAL **_PLEASE_** LET ME KNOW.

**> NEW GAME**

 **  
**

 

There are a few things one needs to know about the universe before traveling through time and space.

 

 **= >**

 **  
**

 

One, the best tacos in existence are made in a small shack of a restaurant on the corner of 4th and Brazos in Austin, Texas on the planet Earth. But that is only if you are calling them tacos. The planet Epsilon Tauri B, which is part of the constellation Taurus, has a great taco-like food, for which Epsilon Taruians are trained to kill each other.

 

 **= >**

 **  
**

 

Two, having the ability to travel through time comes with responsibility. Each decision we make affects the outcome of the current timeline. Imagine time is a line with branches going off in different directions. Infinitely. One choice you make can lead you down a different branch and altering that branch can change everything. Temporal paradoxes are not something to mess around with.

 

 **= >**

 **  
**

 

Three, FUCK OFF, LAMEASS. YOU SMELL LIKE THE INSIDE OF A SOCK THAT’S BEEN USED TO CLEAN THE BONE BULGE OF A TEENAGE HUMAN MALE THAT’S ROLLED AROUND IN HIS OWN FECES AND HASN’T SHOWERED IN TWO WEEKS. I WANT TO CUT MY OWN NOSE OFF SO I DON’T HAVE TO SMELL YOUR MISERABLE STENCH ANY LONGER.

 

 ** > ENTER NAME**

 **  
**

 

Wrong. Try again, asshole.

 

 **>  TRY AGAIN**

 **  
**

 

Your name is THE SUFFERER. You are 201 sweeps old (that is 402 in earth years) and you’ve literally  _just_  regenerated for the third time. You have a variety of interests, including TRAVELING THROUGH SPACE, which is probably a given. You spend most of your time SAVING MISERABLE HUMAN BEINGS’ LIVES and EATING TACO-LIKE FOODS. You also enjoy SOLVING PUZZLES even though you are REALLY, REALLY BAD AT IT. You enjoy RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE ROMANTIC MOVIES AND ROMCOMS. You are half alternian and half time lord making you ONE OF A KIND probably. You don’t even want to think about how that arrangement was worked out between your ancestors. That is disgusting.

 

 **>  ENTER TARDIS ALREADY**

 

 

Jegus, you are tired. You’ve spent a long day trying to track down and save a human child that had been allowed to wreck havoc on Las Vegas with alien technology, which, in the wrong hands could blow up half of the planet. Of course. Just another normal day in your life. You’d arrived just in time.

Except you “died”. This is the thanks you get for saving all of those fucking lives. Pft, humans.

Luckily, because you are half time lord, you were able to get away to safety so you could regenerate. Unfortunately, you still don’t know what you look like or any of your personality traits.

 

 **>  FIND MIRROR**

 **  
**

 

You hop past the TARDIS console, go down these stairs two-at-a-time (be careful with those stairs), down that hallway. Make a right, a left, and two rights. Go through the medium sized library (you have several of various sizes), stumble past the Zen garden, and enter your bathroom.

 

 **> ENTER BATHROOM**

 

 

You stare at the piece of shit that is staring back at you in the mirror.

 

 **> WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS**

 **  
**

 

NUB HORNS AGAIN?

AGAIN?

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME BADASS FUCKING HORNS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE?

 

 **= >**

 **  
**

 

And your hair. You can’t see anything, it’s all in your eyes. THIS IS STUPID. And are you, like, three inches shorter than your last regeneration? Man, you are even short when you stand up straight.  You might as well kill yourself and regenerate again because spending even one more sweep in this shitty body will surely be the most unpleasant experience in your wretched little life.

 

 **> CRY A RIVER, BUILD A BRIDGE, AND GET OVER IT**

 **  
**

 

What RIVER? Surely you mean the POND.

 

 **> OH, COME ON, JUST GET OVER IT**

 **  
**

 

Fine. You walk out of the bathroom and into your bedroom to find some paper. You want to make sure you write down all of your traits so you remember them. Last time you regenerated you didn’t think to do this and you forgot what your new personality was like, causing the death of entire planet of giant rodents. Not your proudest moment.

 

 **> BE PAST THE SUFFERER**

 **  
**

 

You can’t be Past The Sufferer. It is almost impossible to be Past The Sufferer because of paradox spacey-wacey things. Besides your vim is very low, considering your recent regeneration. And you don’t even have a fort.

 

 **> BUILD FORT**

 **  
**

 

NO. You need to write down “stubborn” on the paper, because that is what you are. Stubborn.

 

 **> GET ON WITH IT**

 **  
**

 

FINE

 

 

On one side of the paper you write a LIST OF TRAITS you’ve noticed since you’ve regenerated. This includes STUBBORN, SUPER SMART, and TOTALLY AWESOME, among others. On the other side you scribble a TO DO LIST, first and most importantly you need a new outfit.

 

 **> WEAR A BANANA SUIT**

 **  
**

This…

 

 

This was probably the dumbest idea you’ve ever heard of. You don’t even know why you have this thing. There is probably a super deep and meaningful reason. Or maybe there isn’t. Who knows?

It definitely makes you look taller.

 

 **> LET'S TRY SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE HARD BOILED**

 **  
**

 

You put on a suit. You are the mobster, it is you.

You suddenly feel hard boiled, see. So hard boiled that you can’t even stand it, darlin’. You wish you could stand it but you can’t so you regretfully decide to try something else.

  


**> MAYBE SOMETHING DAPPER**

 **  
**

 

You can never go wrong with daper. You feel like Troll James Bond (not Gallifreyan James Bond, but he’s cool too). This is a little too classy for every day use, so you decide to try one more thing.

 

 **> JUST FOR FUN DRESS LIKE STEVEN JOBS**

 **  
**

 

This feels a little  _too_ familiar. [1]

 

=>

  


 

 

Yeah.

 _Yeah._

This looks good. You look good. No, you look awesome. You feel like you are the daperest of dudes, the hard boiliest of bros, the awesomest of assholes.

No wait… not that last one.

You feel like a hundred bucks, you feel like you could drink a cyberman under the figurative table, and then dance with the classiest of broads.

You’ve never felt better.

But wait. You need one more thing to top off these new threads.

 

 **> YOU WEAR SHADES NOW SHADES ARE COOL**

 

 

Coolest of COOLSVILLE.

So now you know what you look like, you have a list to keep track of your personality, a pencil in case you need to stab anyone’s eyes out, and a new look. What else do you need before you can begin exploring time and space, saving worlds, and destroying daleks?

You feel like you are missing something.

 

 **> YOUR LIFE COULD USE A LITTLE MORE SONIC**

 **  
**

 

Did you say Ψiioniic? God you hate that guy.

 

 **> FIND YOUR SCREWDRIVER**

 **  
**

 

 **> NO YOUR _SONIC_ SCREWDRIVER**

 

 

> THIS IS AWESOME.
> 
> THIS SCREW DRIVER IS GREAT, I FEEL GREAT, I LOOK GREAT- WHY AM I TALKING TO MYSELF?
> 
> ERR EITHER WAY… I GUESS THIS IS IT TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
> 
> FANTASTIC!
> 
> NO.
> 
> ALLONS-Y!
> 
> NO…
> 
> GERONIMO!
> 
> …
> 
> DEFINITELY NOT.

  


**> LIST NEW POSSIBLE CATCHPHRASES**

 **  
**

 

You decided to write down a few options in the corner of the paper with your list of personality traits.

> ~~WHO DA MAN?~~
> 
> ~~KOWABUNGA!~~
> 
> ~~DYN-O-MITE!~~
> 
> ~~SHOOSH~~
> 
> ~~TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!~~
> 
> THIS IS STUPID.

  


 

None of the options sound very appealing. Maybe this regeneration doesn’t want a catchphrase. You decide to wait it out, see if one pops up while you’re just minding your own business. Your catchphrase can mind it’s own business while you mind your own business. You have lots of business to mind. Lots of irons in the fire.

  


**> FIND A COMPANION**

 

 

Well right now your options are between an EMPTY BANANA COSTUME, a PENCIL, and a PERSONALITY LIST. And by the looks of the traits on the list you wouldn’t like that guy very much.

Besides, you don’t  _really_  need a companion do you? It’s not like you’re totally lonely. It’s not like you talk to inanimate objects or anything.

 

 **> REUNITE WITH YOUR LOVING WIFE AND DAUGHTER**

 **  
**

 

DAUGHTER? You only have a WIFE. But you  _have_  been gone for a while: SAVING WORLDS, REGENERATING, WRITING LISTS, and DRESSING IN COOL THINGS. Like shades. Maybe it’s time you have a conversation with her, otherwise she’ll make you sleep on the couch. Literally, she has the power to do that. She’ll just change the hallways so that you can’t find your way back to your room.

 

 **> TALK TO TARDISsprite**

 

 

> HEY THERE, SEXY.
> 
> vworp < hehe hello darling!!
> 
> vworp < you look different!!!
> 
> vworp < handsome of course……. but what did you have to hunt and kill to make that awful suit?
> 
> EXCUSE YOU, THIS SUIT LOOKS FANTASTIC. YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO CONCEPT OF FASHION, CONSIDERING YOU DON’T NEED TO WEAR CLOTHES.
> 
> vworp < hehe true i suppose…..
> 
> IT IS QUITE INDECENT! YOU ARE MAKING ME BLUSH.
> 
> vworp < oh stop trying to flatter me it isn’t going to work ;-)
> 
> :) ANYWAY WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS SUIT?
> 
> vworp < it’s missing something!!!
> 
> WAIT DID I FORGET MY PANTS AGAIN? NO, I HAVE PANTS. PANTS, CHECK. SHIRT, CHECK. JACKET, CHECK. TIE, CHECK. IS IT MY HAIR? DO I NEED TO BRUSH IT?
> 
> vworp < well yes, but forget about that it isn’t important!!!!!
> 
> WELL, WHAT AM I MISSING?
> 
> vworp < you’ll figure it out soon enough!! let’s get going! i want to go on an adventure!!
> 
> ALL YOU EVER WANT TO DO IS GO ON AN ADVENTURE. I’VE JUST REGENERATED FOR JEGUS’S SAKE.
> 
> vworp < i’m thinking a cold planet!! something with snow! better bundle up!!
> 
> ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. LET’S GO!

  


 

You excitedly throw the TARDIS into gear and run back to your closet to get a scarf. You dig through hundreds of scarves to find the perfect one.

 

 **> FIND THE PERFECT SCARF**

 **  
**

 

You literally have a mountain of scarves, but you’ve narrowed it down to two.

 

 **> PICK ONE**

 **  
**

 

You can hear the TARDIS pestering you in the other room so you wrap the scarf around your neck and find out what she wants.

On your way out you slip on a banana peel.

 

 **= >**

 **  
**

 

After a sequence of events that would have been embarrassing (had anyone else been there to see it) you make it back to the control room.

 

 

> WHAT?!
> 
> vworp < hehe come on let’s go already!
> 
> OK, OK, DON’T RUSH ME. HOW IS THIS SCARF?
> 
> vworp < it’s perfect!!!
> 
> REALLY? I THINK IT SORT OF CLASHES WITH THE GREEN.
> 
> vworp < no  _ **that**_  scarf, i’m sure of it.
> 
> REALLY? WHY?
> 
> vworp < it has a loose thread, that’s why.
> 
> WHAT? A LOOSE THREAD? WELL THEN I DEFINITELY NEED TO CHANGE IT!
> 
> vworp < no!! let’s get going!!!!!
> 
> I’LL BE  _RIGHT_  BACK.

 

 **= >**

 **  
**

 

You turn to go back to your closet and feel a slight tug around your neck, hear a click, and— a few moments later— you are holding onto the console for dear life.

 

  
**> CRASH LAND**   


  
**  
**   


 

You reach for the controls. Your hair, which you failed to brush, obstructs your vision. You press what you think is the EMERGENCY SPECTROPHOTOMETER BUTTON and pull what you hope is the EMERGENCY LANDING GEAR and the TARDIS grinds to a shuddering hault, throwing you against the railing.

 

 **= >**

 **  
**

 

There is a loud crack as the TARDIS hits something hard, possibly an ASTEROID, maybe a MOON, hopefully a PLANET. Finally, everything is at a standstill. It is surprisingly quiet, aside from the usual hum of the TARDIS. You shakingly stand, but the TARDIS lurches once more, and at that exact moment your balance decides to take a short vacation.

 

 **> YOU ARE FALLING**

 **  
**

 

u warned youre self abuot the STIARs!!!

 

 **> IT KEEPS HAPENING**

 **  
**

 

You stand up once again. Because you regenerated so recently your aches and pains almost immediately disappear. You hurry back up the stairs (carefully) and to the computer screen.

 

> ARE YOU OKAY?
> 
> vworp < i’m fine :-)
> 
> ARE YOU SURE?
> 
> vworp < yep
> 
> OK WELL WHAT HAPPENED EXACTLY?
> 
> vworp < the loose thread on your scarf got caught on a lever causing us to spin out of control and land somewhere
> 
> WHERE?
> 
> vworp < hehe no idea!!!! but it feels squishy
> 
> I’M GOING TO GO AND CHANGE THIS SCARF NOW…
> 
> …
> 
> CAREFULLY.

 

 **> CAREFULLY CHANGE YOUR SCARF**

 **  
**

 

You calmly walk back to your closet. You are totally calm. So calm, in fact, that you consider writing it down on your personality list. But you cannot find it and decide it probably isn’t worth the worry.

Besides, you aren’t totally calm. You aren’t totally calm at all. You are mentally freaking out. You need to get a haircut right away. You toss the SCARF WITH THE LOOSE THREAD into a PLASTIC BAG, along with the BANANA SUIT, and a PAIR OF SHOES WITH LACES THAT LOOK A LITTLE LONG. They gave you a bad feeling so you decided to include them. You shove the bag under your bed and hope that you will forget it is there.

The disregarded scarf, from earlier, looks much better with this green jacket anyway.

 

 **> BE JOHN EGBERT**

 **  
**

 

You feel like there is a very heavy weight on your chest. All you can see is red and blue. You hope the red isn’t yours. The blue is what is on top of you. The blue is what feels like a very heavy weight on your chest because it  _ **IS**_  the very heavy weight on your chest. You hadn’t realized that colors have mass.

And suddenly there isn’t pain. There isn’t red. There isn’t blue. There isn’t anything at all.

 

 **YOU HAVE DIED.**

 ****  
**  
_RESTART?_   
**

 

 **> END OF ACT ONE**

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can read Act 2 on [Tumblr](http://tardisstuck.tumblr.com)
> 
> [1] This joke was made a week or so before his death, may he rest in peace. This fanadventure was written on an iMac, so thank you Steve Jobs!


End file.
